Family cycles exist, if you don't think they do take a look at your family history. I am almost certain you will notice a pattern no matter how good or bad. I didn't really notice my family cycles until after I became a mother, yes it took that long. Yes, I am pretty aware of myself and certain that my up bringing has a lot to do with who I am today, but I didn't know exactly what it was. I was raised by my loving grandmother and I figured that the things that had a negative effect on me it was because of my own choices. Now I know differently and I am in the process of fixing those issues, so my daughter won't repeat the pattern.
I feel so good about the process because its making me a better person.One of the biggest things that I am learning now is that I have to have time for me. I was doing it all. I had no time for myself and I felt like this is what should be done because this is what I knew. My grandmother gave and gave until she died. I don't ever remember a time that she told someone no. People would ask her to do things knowing her cup was running over, but she felt it was the only thing to do. Now trust me when I say I was never this way, NEVER until I had Boo. I had to do it all for her.
Nobody has to keep her. Nobody should be changing her diaper. Nobody should be soothing her. I can take out the trash. I can work 12 hour shifts. I can pump fifty hundred times a day. I can do it all. I hit walls in that time, but I thought this is what being a mother is suppose to feel like.
Until one day I realized I didn't know who the heck I was. I hadn't been making an effort. On top of that this crazy hormonal shift that occurs after you have a baby was starting to take a toll. I was mentally and physically worn out.
I started thinking about who I was before Boo. I was a girl who loved and lived for style. From the way things fit to acting like I was a stylist for movies or a creative director. Even though I know who I am now its hard to get going sometime because I have lost touch with that world. The process is going to be really hard, but it is all in effort to break this cycle. Showing Boo that you have to put yourself first and take time to heal before taking on the world is part of the mission.
All photos taken by: Alycee Byrd